This is another blog post about the future and uncertainty. I seem to have a lot of those. Well being a slave is kind of a scary thing, especially over the internet. I could probably write two or three posts why, and I very well may. But not tonight.
Tonight... tonight I post is about the future and what I think I might want out of it. This is a hard subject unfortunately, because I do not really know what I want in the future. If I did, I probably wouldn't be writing this, now would I?
Let me start in earnest with a time frame. This is not a few days or weeks from now, but it impacts how I spend that time. This is an existential problem on the scale of months, years, or even decades. To get the obvious shit out of the way, I'd like to have sex. I know the probability of me ever actually getting laid is very accurately approximated as zero, but fuck it. I may be chastised but I'm still a guy and I still have those desires common to the male condition. And likewise, I'd like to have kids.
That one is harder to parse, coming from a permanent virgin that will eventually be permanently chaste.
If you had asked me a year ago if I wanted kids at some point I'd have looked at you funny and told you to ask me again when I'm 30. Well I'm a few years off from 30, but now that I'm locked up it's on my mind, basically because I don't think I'll ever have kids. And that knowledge kind of hurts. I still wouldn't want to bring a little brat into this world for at least a dozen years, but still. Knowing that I'll never be able to extend the line of my family another generation at least is kind of wounding.
Okay. This isn't coming out right at all.
I wanted to get the point across that I want to experience a lot of things, some of them are mutually exclusive. I want to fall in love, have sex, maybe have kids. Get a decent programming job. Play in a proper death metal band. All kinds of vanilla stupid shit. But at the same time I want to be a proper real time 24/7 slave. I want to be completely owned and denied and bound and all that kinky shit. I want to make an owner happy. And that's all well and goddamned good but I feel like I'm stuck in fucking molasses - I'm struggling to find my way out and go towards one of those goals but no matter how much I struggle to get to it I never get any closer. And I feel like my time to start moving on these is running out and that the things that I love are holding me back and all this stupid fucking psycho shit and feelings of doubt that I can't shake.
And I can't even find the right words to say that so it's not a fucking massive clump of words without a singular shred of eloquence or structure. And just god damn it all.
Fuck.
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